and ten other things I tell myself all too often
I know I’m not alone in this, but I’m hoping someone will actually relate. Every morning I wake up with the same thought in my head, and it really gets tiresome.
Thought # 1 — Ouch
I am 42 years young. I have worked a manual labor job for most of my life. I have a hard time facing my own mortality. I have suffered what I, and some very prominent doctors believe to be, nerve damage. As a result I wake up in pain every single morning. Now when I say that I don’t want anyone pitying me, or worrying for their own life, please keep the following in mind. I act quickly and run fast and loose with safety at times, so I can’t say if I’m not partially at fault for my condition. Also, I think a lot of people my age wake up with neck or lower back pain. It’s called getting older, and it happens to us all.
Thought # 2 — I’d rather not
I suffer from a small but inexhorably draining variety of mental health disorders, most of which keep me tied to this one exhaustive thought throughout most of my days. If that sounds bad to you, well then you should go read something upbeat, as much as I’d like to write something cheerful, I’m not about to. This brings me, quickly, to my next thought.
Thought # 3 — I’m not happy
Now, I know for a fact that there are millions of people who will absolutely resonate with this thought, but who will, like me, try their damndest to pretend it isn’t true. I’m not a happy person, I know because on occasion I actually find something that makes me feel happy, and the feeling is so greatly foreign that it makes me stop and think about how I’m just generally not a very happy person. Once you grasp this entirely, the next thought may surprise you.
Thought # 4 — It’s ok to be meloncholy
In fact, it’s great. If given the choice between being; depressed, angry, frustrated, anxious, confused, just plain sad, or melancholy… I will take meloncholy every single god damn day of the week. It can feel downright euphoric to be crying happy at something that made me feel so plain bleh, especially if I’ve been feeling depressed for some time.
Thought # 5 — Does anyone feel like I do
Now, I’ll admit, this one is pretty dumb. It is usually immediately followed by the thought, “ of course”. Of course, I know that there are people out there that share my feelings, my mental illnesses, my habits, and my general outlook on life. It hardly ever feels like it though, because long before the pandemic and social distancing was a thing, I’ve been practicing distancing myself socially from everyone I’ve ever met. It comes with the territory when you have a social anxiety disorder, or are somewhere in the miasma of the high functioning autistic range. I don’t understand being social like most people do. I wish I did, but that’s really too bad, because I just plain don’t. In fact…
Thought # 6 — I wish I was you
Yes you, the one singular person who might read this. Sometimes, and probably way too often, I deeply and sincerely wish I was someone else. Anyone else. If I could somehow be a more normal person, who could gain something from being social and connecting with others, I really think it would be great. Being filled with dread because I found someone who I feel gets me, is one of the worst feelings I can think of. “Hi new awesome and amazing friend, please step away so I can cry about it later. No I’m not normal and…”
Thought # 7 — I won’t be contacting you today
One thought that I have ALL THE TIME, but will not make this list in a formal sense, is this. I really should reach out and contact (x) person today. Right now even. You know who you are. We shared some amazing times. Many laughs, some hardships… a deep relationship. I really miss you, and I wish we were in better contact still. I think about you all the time, and I wish that I could talk to you in person right now. That we could share more good times, but I won’t be contacting you today. My brain just won’t let me.
Thought # 8 — Screw you brain
I deeply loathe myself sometimes. I mean, real sincere hatred. Like I’d rather be anyone else (see thought 6) or wish I didn’t have family so I could end this torturous injustice of a thought process without hurting anyone else. That sounds dark, and I apologize if it makes you feel uneasy. It does the same to me, which is one of the biggest reasons I try to steer clear of that one most days. It’s a battle, and thankfully one I’m not really ok with. That’s why I find myself constantly berating what little brain power I have. It seems like my brain likes to make unhealthy connections all too often and, of all things that I’d rather not think about, that is at the forefront. So I often find myself just saying “screw you brain, I’m gonna find a way to shut you down”. This has lead to me depending on drugs and alcohol to a lesser degree. I know that isn’t healthy though, so it’s always short lived. More often I try and inundate my head with things to do instead. Which brings me to my last final thought… Oh wait… that’s only 9…
Ok, let me expound on the title for a second I guess.
Thought # 9 — I have nothing of worth to share
Now, any therapist worth their salt has some sort of deep seeded love for humanity that makes it really easy for them to combat this thought. They will probably say something like, “Just being is enough”. I will admit, humanity can be pretty beautiful at times. Even people just being nice to each other can make all the difference between me feeling like life is absolutely worthless, or it is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. That said, I find that I have nothing of worth to provide the world all too often. I mean, when my brain is inundated with thoughts 1–7, and I’m doing my best to hold #8 at bay through a variety of coping mechanisms ranging from super healthy to totally questionable… I basically turn into a zombie who is thinking only of himself, and that’s really not cool. Being able to share yourself, at the bare minimum, is I feel sort of a requirement for living this shared existence we all face. People who are good at it can become celebrities, even on a small scale. I think that’s because, deep down, we all want the ability to share our whole selves with everyone around us, and to have it be accepted and ok. Throwing yourself out there, and having the world not deny you, is probably one of the healthiest things anyone can experience. I know I’ve managed to do it, to a certain degree, in the past and it has brought me some of the greatest memories I cherish. Heck, even if you throw yourself out there and the world shuts you down hard, at least you tried right? Well, no… if all you can think about is planning some mass shooting or something… please keep it bottled up. The world doesn’t need everything you think about to come true. Not every thought you have deserves to be made reality. I don’t make these rules up, but I can’t help but agree with a lot of them. Anyway, now that is out of way… back to the good stuff.
Thought # 10 — Ooh Shiny!!
Now, without a doubt, the most healthy thought I constantly am having is this. I want to do more, be more, and experience more. I know I’m not alone in this one, thankfully. The human condition is such that all we crave is more. Real actual writers and philosophers have expounded on this thought for generations. If you are a total cynic, you might think it is the main reason why humans could be considered a virus. We have an inexplicable urge, and ambition, to spread ourselves. We gobble up everything in our path with a singular forward momentum. We must push forward. We must have legacy, but only because we must carry on pushing forward. This manifests itself in so many myriad ways. Elon Musk says the natural progression of this is that we must spread into outer space, and I think most educated people completely agree with him. We must drive forward, solve all of our problems, and do it quickly. Of all the thoughts in my head, I know this one is shared by most humans on the planet and makes me feel normal a lot of the time. I want to do more. I think I often use it as justification for overspending, or dedicating too much of my life to projects that ultimately go unfinished. Still, I think it’s likely the healthiest thought I often have. A healthy curiosity is what makes us all human, the desire to know and see and do more. We have to keep it in check, which I am sorely poor at doing, but we also must nurture it. Otherwise, what are we all here for anyway?
